Tech Olive

Energy drinks and gaming are two things that have gone together perfectly since the dawn of time and maybe even before that. So it only makes sense that the most anticipated game of 2009 be given the honor of its own specially-branded energy drink from Monster, but is the drink up to the standards that the Call of Duty name has set? Let’s find out.

As I depressurized the contents inside the can, millions of bubbles were born. These bubbles were born for the sole purpose of tickling my nose and refreshing my tongue. From the first mouthful swallowed, it was clear to tell: This drink was cold, and it only tasted partially like old ladies’ perfume, unlike many other energy drinks. Instead, the taste is slightly like Mountain Dew Code Red, just not as sweet and the flavor is a bit more harsh.

Luckily, there isn’t a lot of carbonation, so even when it’s ice-cold, your ability to chug the drink is not hindered by that painful, stinging build up of bubbles in your throat. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts, but the reward outweighs the cost. I was referring to the energy boost when I said “reward” and by “cost,” I wasn’t actually referring to the retail price ($1.99), but rather the feeling of having swallowed a severed hand that scraped its nails all the way down my throat.

Everyone knows that when you consume something that tastes nasty, you are doomed to burp that taste for the rest of the hours that are in the day, along with that corn-dog you ate earlier. So, I devised a perfect test: My expertly-measured “Post-consumption burp scale”.

So, according to the almighty scale, the burp was a mix of the creaminess you get from cheap mints, coupled with some flat, cheap, off-brand cola and perhaps a hint of menthol. The best way I found to measure how well the energy drink performed was to have three Mountain Dews and two Red Bulls the night before so that I would have a nice, solid caffeine-withdraw headache the morning before drinking the Monster. I can safely say that it filled my brain’s need for that all-important chemical and kept it fed for about 3 hours. However, it took two servings of Monster to keep me covered that long.

So, final score? I’ll let you decide: If you like two or more of the following options, then I suggest you purchase one of these to drink for yourself.

• Bubbles tickling your nose
• Old ladies’ perfume
• Melted Skittles
• Weighted Companion Cubes
• Two servings in a single, non-resealable can
• The taste of Olives